Midlife Crisis

The picture would suggest a cliche of drama in life. But i like this picture because it gives a calm statement and smooth going of the scenery.

I am at the point of change, as life is a constant change. Anyone would feel that their lives are bound for something bigger. The mundane of my existence has called me for a shift in life, a different approach to what I feel would not only bring me happiness but worthiness for my entire existence, for me, my family, and the community.

Financially, I can't still raise my own in a suitable living that I dreamed my life would be when I was still day-dreaming in school. Still, I am blessed to experience all this. I could not imagine myself in a very lavish lifestyle, but I have always been contented and thriving in my present disposition.

My emotions has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Disappointment has never left my side so thus life's surprises. It ain't easy to be far away and making decisions of your own. Friends influences decisions, but it always comes down to your preference. I chose me a lot of times, being selfish is sometimes being responsible. But I have never forget to look back and think about my ripples to others. Do good is always my head start.

As I experience many things, in work and my on going life in general. I started to search for more, self discoveries, intellect, upgrades, whatsoever. It feels like there's more that I can do with a laptop but can't determine how and what steps to take. It's as if, the parts are in front of me but I just can't make a move, because my inhibitions and anxiety is holding me back. Most of the time, I feel like I need to learn more, not only writing the notes but applying it to my activities in life.

My religion has not left my side, for I call for refuge when in most need. And that could be a problem sometimes. I only remember my God when I'm short of hope. I wish that people would understand the way that I take my religion, that it is not for personal glorification and basis to judge others, rather, a set of inspiration to be a better you to others.

I am so afraid of what my future holds, not because I may not end up what my dreams and aspirations wants, but being a liability to my family and friends. I wanted to be a provider, that can support myself and my beneficiaries. I don't want to burden anyone of my shortcomings and defects in life. I'm so afraid that I could not do anything to the people I care about because my self is unstable as fuck.

In any way, I am still blessed to have this life, luckier as what others would call it compared to some.

This is a 530am thought. After watching Your Name online, I am so emotionally driven, about people, fate, and all the cliche stuff.

I should get some sleep to have a healthy body and mind.

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